Tuesday, January 14, 2014

8 Most Embarrassing Things That Happen At Least Once A Week

8. Grocery store shenanigans 

You know when you trip over something? Not the graceful fall in the grocery store aisle where you're reaching for a box of macaroons and use your cart as a boost (because you're 5'2") and slip into the arms of a handsome late 20's engineer...

It is more like you're waiting in the checkout lane and drop the basket with a gallon of milk on the foot of the guy behind you as if you've never understood the concept of carrying a basket. Then the milk explodes on him and when every lesson you've learned in politeness has taught you to say, "I'm so incredibly sorry" instead you smile like a crazed sociopath and mumble some pig-latin apology.
Well, that escalated quickly.

7. Forgetting someone's name 

Names are a tricky thing, especially if your name is Anfrony (Mean Girls reference, anyone?) and it sounds way too similar to Anthony. I have devised a (somewhat) full proof way to find out someone's name without blatantly asking like a frittada. The problem is it's more of a 50/50 success rate.


Me: Hey there, yeah it's good to see you again. Wait, so how do you spell your name again? I think I might have saved it wrong.
Dude: Yeah, it's M-I-C-A-H


Me: When I tried saving your number last time I wasn't sure how to spell it.
Dude: Why?
Me: Oh, you know people have different spellings.
Dude: You know someone who spells David differently?

6. Being a very bad liar

I was late to work because well you see, I had to take my dog to the vet and there was a lot of traffic over here because a man hole exploded and I swear there was kids trying to break dance on pieces of cardboard. It could have been a music video, I'm not too sure. Then I was handing change to a homeless person as I was walking from my car and he turned out to be an undercover police officer so I was questioned for 10 minutes about the man holes and we ended up talking about the series finale of Dexter and I'm so sorry, do you want me to make you extra copies for this letter head?

5. Your dog desecrating your neighbors lawn

I can't be mad at my pup because I was the one who forgot the doggie bags. But, just to save face i'll pretend to reprimand him (while my neighbor crosses her arms and stares at me like I just walk of shamed out of a frat house clutching my heels and what's left of my dignity.) Nice to see you too Mrs. Fisher!

4. Your boyfriend asking you to stop eating on his bed

But how else am I suppose to watch Netlfix and eat my non-fat wheat thins? (OKAY MY NACHO SUPREME)

After he politely asks, I react the only way I can think of at the moment and tear up because I'm sensitive (and a Cancer sign) and because my Aunt Flow is visiting. Then he immediately apologizes and declares that crumbs really don't bother him... IF I'LL STOP OVERREACTING.

3. Driving "incidents"

"That curb wasn't there yesterday."
"I'm sorry, I did not notice there was a bike lane."
"I thought you could drive faster in the fast lane. Oh, well yes I agree 25 over is a bit fast."

And yes, being "that girl" singing 90's pop hits at the red light. Ace of Base is still cool, my friends.

2. Compliment fails

Usually upon complimenting, one must truly be sincere about what they are expressing or they may find themselves in an... ordeal. I went to a company party as a plus one and sat next to a friend of a friend who recently became engaged. She subtly revealed her ring and without time to take the foot from my mouth I said this:

"I love your ring. The little stones around the diamond really help make it look bigger."


She probably hates me. Forever.

1. Being the clumsiest person in the entire restaurant, ever.

Just the other day I was having dinner at the Downtown Aquarium restaurant in Houston when I tried to unravel my silverware from my napkin's death grip. My forks and knife flew off the table and landed on the floor at two waiters' feet. They looked at the floor, then to me, then back to the floor as if I just came out of rehab for lighting a house on fire. (Amanda Bynes is still relevant, right) And they hand me another set of utensils, thinking "Maybe we should just give her the plastic stuff we keep in the back."

Also, one time at Peter Piper's Pizza I dropped a whole cup of Coca Cola on myself and then walked through a family's group photo on my way to the restroom. I hope they saved that photo.