8 Most Embarrassing Things That Happen At Least Once A Week

8. Grocery store shenanigans 

You know when you trip over something? Not the graceful fall in the grocery store aisle where you're reaching for a box of macaroons and use your cart as a boost (because you're 5'2") and slip into the arms of a handsome late 20's engineer...

It is more like you're waiting in the checkout lane and drop the basket with a gallon of milk on the foot of the guy behind you as if you've never understood the concept of carrying a basket. Then the milk explodes on him and when every lesson you've learned in politeness has taught you to say, "I'm so incredibly sorry" instead you smile like a crazed sociopath and mumble some pig-latin apology.
Well, that escalated quickly.

7. Forgetting someone's name 

Names are a tricky thing, especially if your name is Anfrony (Mean Girls reference, anyone?) and it sounds way too similar to Anthony. I have devised a (somewhat) full proof way to find out someone's name without blatantly asking like a frittada. The problem is it's more of a 50/50 success rate.

Expectations 

Me: Hey there, yeah it's good to see you again. Wait, so how do you spell your name again? I think I might have saved it wrong.
Dude: Yeah, it's M-I-C-A-H

Reality

Me: When I tried saving your number last time I wasn't sure how to spell it.
Dude: Why?
Me: Oh, you know people have different spellings.
Dude: You know someone who spells David differently?

6. Being a very bad liar

I was late to work because well you see, I had to take my dog to the vet and there was a lot of traffic over here because a man hole exploded and I swear there was kids trying to break dance on pieces of cardboard. It could have been a music video, I'm not too sure. Then I was handing change to a homeless person as I was walking from my car and he turned out to be an undercover police officer so I was questioned for 10 minutes about the man holes and we ended up talking about the series finale of Dexter and I'm so sorry, do you want me to make you extra copies for this letter head?

5. Your dog desecrating your neighbors lawn

I can't be mad at my pup because I was the one who forgot the doggie bags. But, just to save face i'll pretend to reprimand him (while my neighbor crosses her arms and stares at me like I just walk of shamed out of a frat house clutching my heels and what's left of my dignity.) Nice to see you too Mrs. Fisher!

4. Your boyfriend asking you to stop eating on his bed

But how else am I suppose to watch Netlfix and eat my non-fat wheat thins? (OKAY MY NACHO SUPREME)

After he politely asks, I react the only way I can think of at the moment and tear up because I'm sensitive (and a Cancer sign) and because my Aunt Flow is visiting. Then he immediately apologizes and declares that crumbs really don't bother him... IF I'LL STOP OVERREACTING.

3. Driving "incidents"

"That curb wasn't there yesterday."
"I'm sorry, I did not notice there was a bike lane."
"I thought you could drive faster in the fast lane. Oh, well yes I agree 25 over is a bit fast."

And yes, being "that girl" singing 90's pop hits at the red light. Ace of Base is still cool, my friends.

2. Compliment fails

Usually upon complimenting, one must truly be sincere about what they are expressing or they may find themselves in an... ordeal. I went to a company party as a plus one and sat next to a friend of a friend who recently became engaged. She subtly revealed her ring and without time to take the foot from my mouth I said this:

"I love your ring. The little stones around the diamond really help make it look bigger."

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.



She probably hates me. Forever.

1. Being the clumsiest person in the entire restaurant, ever.

Just the other day I was having dinner at the Downtown Aquarium restaurant in Houston when I tried to unravel my silverware from my napkin's death grip. My forks and knife flew off the table and landed on the floor at two waiters' feet. They looked at the floor, then to me, then back to the floor as if I just came out of rehab for lighting a house on fire. (Amanda Bynes is still relevant, right) And they hand me another set of utensils, thinking "Maybe we should just give her the plastic stuff we keep in the back."

Also, one time at Peter Piper's Pizza I dropped a whole cup of Coca Cola on myself and then walked through a family's group photo on my way to the restroom. I hope they saved that photo.

6 Things I Never Knew Until I Owned a Dog

Sure, my family has a cat, Samantha. Samantha the Siamese cat... from the world of Voldemort. Seriously, the cat has issues. Deep daddy-must-have-never-cared-because-he-left-pregnant-mom-stranded-in-a-Walmart-parking-lot ISSUES. (Okay I know that was the plot to Where The Heart Is, just go with it.)

Therefore, this cat with multiple personality disorder gave me reason to overestimate what it took to have a pet. I also spent the majority of my adolescence being told, (say it with me) "dogs are a big responsibility." I was under the impression I had to be someone specific in order to have a dog. I hadn't taken in account who I would be after I made the decision to keep one.

I didn't know finding a dog on a busy road would change me. I also didn't know a lot, that is, until I began to realize I was the one wandering aimlessly.
I found him at the right time. Or should I say, he found me.

6. I was wasting my life procrastinating.
Leave it to a dog with nothing but time on his hands to pressure you to do everything as fast as you can. 7:45 the little mutt is barking up a storm... for a walk. Really? I get up, walk him and now i'm fully awake. Hey, maybe I should do something productive that will benefit my future (and make my existence notable.) Yes, that sounds right.


5. I need to stop letting others tell me what I think I want. That's my decision.
I have gone through six, yes SIX dog foods. Who knew Yorkies were this picky? These were suppose to be top of line dog foods. Milo was not having it. He knew what he wanted and he would starve before he got JUST what he wanted. Thankfully for the both of us I discovered Kibble N Bits with Beneful Beef Stew was the Valveeta of dog food.
Bottom line: No one can make you want something, unless it's your decision.


4. Sometimes I have to trust that the people around me won't run away if I give them space. I didn't sleep well the night I lost Milo. I had him for a total of FOUR days before he ran away through an open window. I was terrified and told myself that I was over my head. Thankfully the neighbor found him trying to... um... be friendly with his pooch. AWKWARD.

I was so scared to let him out of my sight after that. He managed to get loose a few weeks later after a friend's dog broke out of the back yard Milo was in. To my surprise, he didn't run. He stayed, waiting for me. For me.

It took a little time and some bonding to trust that he could be left off his leash as we took our daily strolls down the beach. You can't keep a tight grip on your loved ones, trust that they will find their way back to you.


3. Having children is for the pro's.
Just looking after this pup is enough birth control for the next 5 years or so. I love having him to care for, but it's a learning process. I suggest couples own a dog before making a decision to have a child. Don't let those Teen Moms and their glamorous mug shots tell you differently.


2. Sunsets are underrated. 
The moment I knew I wanted to keep Milo was after a few days of trying to find his original owner (who left him un-chipped, starved, collar-less and fending for himself.)
The moment would have been missed if I hadn't taken notice. I was driving home over the bridge and Milo was riding shot-gun with his head out the window, as dogs do. Just as the sun began sinking in the ocean I smiled and I remember thinking, "Is this how it's suppose to feel?" I hadn't enjoyed a small moment with simple effort in such a long time. It was an honest feeling --sometimes we're so wrapped up in what were suppose to be doing that we forget to be honest with ourselves.


1. I need to rely on myself if I ever want to grow into the woman I want to become.
College students tend to rely on our parents to help guide us to where we need to be. My parents have done this and I've tried to fight the idea of being on my own. I tried to tell myself I needed more time to grow up. Alas, my time is up. As this once frightened me, I see now that it enlightens me. Milo is my responsibility, he deserves someone who has their life goals in reach. I can be that person. I am that person.

Motivation Doesn't Always Come From an Aderall Prescription

There is a time in every girl's life when you realize what is truly important: finding your career path, looking for security in a relationship and smiling at the kiosk people in the mall. It's not their fault they have to harass everyone that walks past them. I'm sure if John Stamos walked by a kiosk they would still wave him down to ask, "Excuse me, what kind of straightener do you use?" HELLO. The Stamos doesn't need you. He washes his hair in the tears of 30 something year olds who all own the box set of Full House. How rude!

So, instead of putting my head down, power walking and completely ignoring the kiosk's cries for help, I now just smile and politely lie that "I already have it! Thanks!" I know, I'm so mature.

What is it about Christmas time that induces this clarity? Maybe it's the fact that your roommate already has all her Christmas gifts in order and you still have yet to go on a Pinterest witch hunt in order to craft your gifts because... Wait, how did Kristin Wiig say it in Bridesmaids? Oh that's right, "Help me i'm poor."

We all need a little push in the right direction sometimes. Some more than others. And yes, by others i'm referring to the kiosk people. Get a real job you hippies. I wouldn't be surprised if the kiosks were a front for an underground cannabis ring. SAY NO TO KIOSKS AND SAY NO TO DRUGS. (Unless that drug is The Mindy Project)

If you're looking for some extra motivation this season (or extra ca$h) just find a way to put your priorities in order. I find it best to make a list. Do you want to see what my list looks like? I can't, I'm shy. OKAY GUYS, stop twisting my arm please.





*type type type backspace type type*






1. Work work pay the rent
2. Craft your way into the hearts of your loved ones
3. Stop watching so much Dexter
4. Keep up the fitness routine and stop drinking diet coke and telling yourself its "the last time."
5. Apply for Miss Fiesta (because you're at the cut off age and you're kinda old)
6. Graduate next year. It would be cooler if you did.

8. Read a new book every week. 
9. GET IT TOGETHER
10. NO REALLY

The new year is looming and instead of waiting until January to make changes in your life, start today. In the words of Mindy Lahiri from the pilot episode of The Mindy Project, "I'm at this point in my life where I can't just do what I want to do. I have to do things that really move my life forward like spinning, do you guys know what that is?"

Here's some more Mindism to help you through the season.





















 

Images: Courtesy of Tumblr

Clueless

I've always been well versed in the lines of many 90's coming of age movies, naturally.
It's like Cher said, "It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless."
(I love spotting the movie titles in the dialogue, don't you?) Self actualizing the notion that you have no idea what is going on is just the best. Really.

Okay, so it's not always fun to realize that what you thought you knew was actually as foolish as that time you wrote a fan letter to Jesse McCartney and waited around the mail box for weeks (...relatively speaking). And no reply. BUT I PUT MY HEART AND BEAUTIFUL SOUL INTO IT. Then time passes and you understand how dysfunctional your view on love was. As the years keep passing, we keep thinking we get it... but we keep rediscovering that oops, no I don't. Is this where the term "keep on keeping on" comes from? I wouldn't know, I learned most of my 70's catch phrases from Michael Kelso. Burn!

Update: Revelation Just In
Making yourself think back on the past will like totally not help your present situation. As if.
Learn from it and move on. Another revelation --okay, this might be the origin of "keep on keeping on." Can we just shorten it to KOKO? Great. 

Make memories in your twenties because something tells me they'll be mistakes in your thirties.

Photo: Courtesy of Paramount Pictures